I was watching Sunday football, da Bears, with my Father when my wife came into the room.

“We need to talk.”

So, being the considerate and thoughtless husband I am, I found the remote and paused the game. She began to explain how she just got done speaking with our teenage Daughter, who was at her friends house, and how she’d like to stay the night there.

“I told her to call you,” my wife said to me.

“Okay. It’s a school night. I’ll tell her that she can’t stay and must come home.”

“She said to tell you that she got good grades on her progress report,” she said.

“So. It’s a school night,” I said.

She leaves. My Father and I resume watching the game.

Around 40 minutes pass and Pops leaves for home. Again, my wife comes back to talk. I pause the game… again. Fun.

She proceeds to explain how that when she says “We need to talk” that it really means she wants to speak to me in private and that I should know that by now. She wanted to “discuss” our Daughter staying the night at her friends and that I embarrassed her by “laying down the law” in front of my Father.

This is the point in the conversation where I always feel like I’m suddenly dealing with a complete stranger. I give her my usual, time-tested spiel about how I can’t read minds. If she wanted to speak in private all she had to was says so. I further explain that when she told our Daughter to call me for the answer, when she always makes that decision and was already on the phone with her, led me to believe that, for some reason, she was unable or unwilling to give her an answer and prefer I come up with one. So I did.

After going around and around with both of us stating the same arguments over and over again, I glanced quickly at my paused football game. There was a minute of silence.

“Are we done,” I ask.

“I guess,” she remarks and leaves the room.

We were done.

The Bears had spent their day battling to victory, and although I remained slightly confused, I felt that I had too.

Once again, I bravely faced the feminine beast head on. A victory consisting of logic and reason successfully combats the relentless attempt to stupify and feminize the American male with disoreinting, bewildering, lopsided reasoning and tactics.

I leapt to my feet, let out a quick rebel yell and headed instictively to the fridge for a beer.

Caveman Conclusion: Shut up, hand me a beer, and get naked!

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