I hate eating out. Mostly, it’s the waiting. And the food is never worth it. Every time I enter a restaurant I know that I am about to become the next contestant on “The Dining Waiting Game” (use your TV announcer voice). The key to success is knowing and following the 10 step process.

THE DINING WAITING GAME

Step 1
Get to the restaurant. See the hot young hostess at the door. WAIT to be seated.

Step 2
Once seated, WAIT for the senior citizen waitress to get finished changing her adult diaper and bring out the urine scented menus.

Step 3
WAIT for Mrs. AARP to come back to take your order. Repeat your order louder and louder several times until she hears it. BE SURE to have her put on her bifocals and read it back to you. Pretend to understand what she is saying through her denture-clacking speech impediment.

Step 4
WAIT for your food…

Step 5
WAIT for Mrs. Super Polygrip to clickity-clack an apology and bring another drink because her teeth “accidentally” fell into your beverage. Continue WAITING for the food…

Step 6
The food arrives. Here’s the worst part. Now drooling like Pavlov’s dog, you can’t eat the meal because Grandma Moses still hasn’t brought the steak sauce or ketchup or Tabasco, etc. So, WAIT. RARR! HURRY UP!

Step 7
Finally, do some serious chowing down. Feel free to burp and loudly laugh and blame it on whomever is dining with you.

Step 8
WAIT for waitress Broken Hip to limp back and deliver the check.

Step 9
WAIT for her to come back to get the payment. Be sure to tip her anyway, I mean c’mon, she’s got her kids and grandkids to support. (Ugh, when I’m done eating I’m ready go. I hate having to wait around to pay the server. Just let me pay at a cash register somewhere up front and be on my way.)

Step 10
WAIT for her to come back and spill your change all in your lap (oops, clickity-clack). Now you can finally leave the restaurant, thanking God that you survived the ordeal.

Caveman Conclusion: Hunt your own food. It’s quicker, more satisfying, and wont make you go homicidal.

More gnarly posts by the Caveman:
• Grandma, I’m Going To Break Your Hip
• Rockin’ Review Of Ozzfest 2007
• New Year’s Resolutions Are For Wimps
• How I Installed An Electric Smooth Cooktop/Stovetop Range
• Making Your Wife Do What She’s Told